New Year, Finding the New Me

I've been going through it the last few weeks.  Just down and out and I don't know where to turn to or how to react.  I hate to say it, but Katy Perry really nailed it when she spoke about a plastic bag drifting in the wind...

I feel as though I'm out to sea, and there is nothing around me but the vast blue ocean, and I'm sitting and waiting.  Waiting to be rescued, waiting to be eaten by a shark, waiting for the wind to pick up and blow my sails in the right direction...  I've lost all control and am finding it hard to point myself down any type of path, good or bad.

Life in New York City is hard.  Would I change that last 5 years of my life and go back to simpler time living in the small, yet booming town of Branson, Missouri?  No.  I wouldn't trade my experience and life here for the world.  Sometimes I want to go back in time and reevaluate my life choices, but that's what this so called life is.  It's making choices, sticking to your decisions whether they help or hurt you, learning from your mistakes and picking yourself up and moving forward.

That's the funny thing though.  I can say and type those words just fine, but I'm not at a point to where I can actually live them.  I'm stuck.  I know what is right and wrong and how I need to change my course for my own well-being, but I can't take that first step.  Hmmm.  This blog is named "The Next Step".  Why can't I heed my own advice.  Change is the only thing that's constant.  I need time to change, but I don't have time to give.  It's not that I'm too busy and/or don't technically have enough of it, but I don't want to give it.  I'd rather sit at home and watch Netflix.  How depressing.  That's the journey I've chosen for myself.  And a sad one at that.  I live in the greatest city in the world and yet I'm doing nothing to enjoy it.

I don't see myself staying here forever, but I don't want to look back and regret all the times I sat at home when I could've been out experiencing everything that this place has to offer.  Yes, I hear myself, I just have zero motivation.

I need a light to find my path.  I need a push in the right direction.  I need clarity and wisdom and faith that everything will be alright.  I need strength to take that next step...